Living the Dream

I didn't wind up on the path I was expecting, but the journey over the last 6 months has been arduous. I've blogged about this cryptically but I feel like the topic deserves more exploration. I mean, I got you excited with a countdown right? Something is supposed to happen when a countdown hits zero, not just radio silence and grumbly blogs that moan about growth.

Back in February, my life finally exploded with change. The change I'd been attempting to manifest in my life came and it wasn't elegant. I wanted smooth graceful unfoldment of my ideals, and I got an explosion of chaos.

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I'd been seeking help and writing about my issues for a long time, but the pot boiled over before I got the help I really needed.

My anxiety, depression, and rage landed me in a hospital, divorce, and jail.

Holy shit, yeah?

I dreamed of having children with the man I had married, the adored man I put on a pedestal. I dreamed of taking my practice to Los Angeles so that he could go to film school and we could write screenplays together while I was a full-time astrologer and mommy. It was a great idea, and none of it was executing in reality. I found out my partner didn't even want children with me

And so I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt in February. My attempt to end my life failed, and six days later I found out that it had ended my marriage instead.

When I got out of the hospital after 17 days of intensive treatment, initially I dreamt of running off and hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, a lifelong dream that none of my partners had ever supported. Reality and the law got involved though when my rage at the loss of my marriage boiled over and I smashed every wineglass in the house I could get my hands on.

On April 27, 2013 I woke up out of rehab and on the road to recovery. A new life. A new way to live. And a lot of freaking court dates.

Yayness and suckage.

Out of the ashes, I have a life a lot closer to the one I wanted to live than I ever did before.

And soon (as in, hours/days from now) you will see the fruits of my silent laboring as I've brought forth a new world for myself.

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Posted in Home Improvement Post Date 09/27/2018


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